No matter what you think, I'm not better.
It may appear that way, especially with all of the positivity I try and exude with those who I encounter. However, the battle inside my head is nowhere near done. I don't want to bullshit you; I'm still working and fighting and struggling every day. A dose of anti-depressant medication a day doesn't fix everything and I don't want anyone to think that it's that simple.
From my experience, the medication allows for you to rebalance in the neutral zone of your mind in order for you to discover your inner happiness. If you do nothing but take the medicine, no leaps or bounds to recovery will be made. I have had to supplement that with mind/body health exercises such as painting, writing, practicing meditation and yoga and working at it every day. However, I fear I still emanate an air of sickness, of mental instability.
I can see the ones I love tiptoe around the recesses of my mind like they are a festering, irritated rash. They seem afraid of catching the same affliction or hurting me in the process of navigation through my thoughts. Interactions have become mechanized and cautious, a result I suspect comes from being unsure on how to handle me. I've become a wild stallion, bucking and kicking my way out of the corral as I tear down the wooden posts of "pretend perfection" and "everything's alright". I’ve never wanted to make anyone feel uncomfortable, although I also don’t think any progress can me made in your comfort zone. Ultimately I am grateful for this treatment from my loved ones because it means that they are aware of my Mental Health and want to help improve it.
Today I would like to specifically discuss self mutilation that accompanies Mental Illnesses such as Depression and Anxiety. There are many different types that occur for many different reasons, however I have found that mine acts as the physical manifestation of my fears and stressors. I can't even remember when it started, all I know is that it is overpowering and stagnant. It has become an action that happens when I'm not even paying attention.
Maybe you've seen me do it and wondered. Maybe you've been one to slap my hand and tell me to stop. Maybe you don't even notice it. But the reality is that I bite, pick, and rip my cuticles until they are bloody and raw. I can't remember a time when I didn't do it. The act of literally ripping myself apart with my own hands seems counterproductive, however it creates a calmness in myself that I have yet to achieve on my own. It’s almost as if my mind has had enough suffering and wishes to break free from the chains that is my body. It is unhealthy and it is horrible. My hands are constantly in throbbing pain and I have swollen, red fingers that will scar and stay that way forever. I will forever bear the marks of my self mutilation and will always be asked questions by the curious few who see. I could be watching a movie, reading a book, typing on the computer, driving my car, or even kissing my man and stop to bite or pick a nonexistent hang nail.
The eradication of these fictional “loose ends” makes me feel better inside for some reason. Until I can fix this self mutilation habit, I will not REALLY feel better or improved. Until I beat this, I have not crossed my largest hurdle on the way to recovery from my Mental Illnesses. I act annoyed when I get caught biting or picking by my loved ones and they tell me to stop, mostly because it is a disruption to my self-medication and I know I should stop. I am determined to get to a place where I don’t need this anymore to feel good. Where I can be calm and still and know my inner self fully. I will continue on this long road of undulations and obstacles because I know I can do this. Stick with me and you’ll see.
Please don’t cease trying to help me. Please don’t give up. I know I am difficult, I know my actions and thoughts are trying, however I desperately need you. Without you, I won’t succeed. Without your support, I won’t be able to achieve any personal greatness. Just hold on and keep your head up my love, I will catch up one day. And thank you, really, you make a difference.
1 comment
There are two types, chronic like yours, These are signs of confusion, being lost, most often the person is not even aware they are doing it, at least not fully aware, not to be confused with a habit. Then there is acute, like cutting or burning, these are signs of a over active mind, a mind that needs focus, and nothing focuses the mind like pain. In both cases it causes worry and shame, the worry, " am I going mad" how far will this go? Good news is insane people don’t worry about what they do, so with help it never gets that far,, the shame, how so you tell or show people what you’ve done,, your already past that part, halfway to healing. Not to say the second half is still a pretty long journey. But one thing I know for sure, the people you have around you will NEVER abandon you. I know a guy they never lost hope in, he made it, so for sure they will never loose hope in you..
tony